The clinical block at the Princess Elizabeth Hospital received its latest tenant this week as a state-of-the-art nostalgia ward was opened.
It marks the first time medical treatment for the condition has been funded publicly by the States, who reported in 2007 that working hours lost to crippling bouts of nostalgia cost Guernsey’s economy nearly £12m.
Nurses and administrators are confident they can provide a valuable service for people who simply wish things were more like they used to be, despite grumblings that the previous private consultancy arrangement is unlikely to be bettered.
The ward will offer “gentle reassurance for a condition based on an illogical grasping for an intangible goal,” such as that offered to thirty-somethings experiencing for the first time unshakable yearnings for a romanticised past as their twenties rapidly recede behind the gossamer thin veil of nascent history.
The middle-aged will be introduced to “decent” new music…
The middle-aged will be introduced to “decent” new music and hear informal lectures outlining the saturating effects that “fear-mongering in politics” has had upon their appreciation of a society they believe once functioned perfectly well.
Meanwhile the elderly, for whom nostalgia is considered a useful pastime, will be drafted in to remind and in some cases chastise any patients who have not yet organised a will or secured a pension.
A large library of home cine footage and videos has been accumulated from members of the public and edited to show how people were just as bored and disaffected in the ‘good old days’ as they are now. “They provide compelling evidence,” said one senior nurse, “that behind the smiling eyes of the subjects one can detect the same unarticulated longing many experience today.”
“In essence, we hope to convince patients that pining for a past that was itself wracked with nostalgia should logically cancel out present day nostalgia. This will hopefully allow them to focus on their own life fulfillment, leading up to their inevitable death and ultimate disappearance into Time’s infinite catalogue of eternally forgotten souls.”