Bailiwick Date

Pay dispute: Should firefighters receive an extra £5,500?

Vocalocal | Mar 25th 2011

An industrial tribunal recently considered Guernsey firefighters’ demand for a 19% rise in wages. How does this make you feel, deep inside?

“It’s worth every penny. Thanks to their influence on training regimes, we have one of the best snooker leagues of its size anywhere in Europe.

Ken Dendrachrome,
French Banger

“Absolutely disgusting! You should have seen the state they left my house in after flooding it with all that water.

Artimisia Falla, 
Goal Hanger

“Not unless they start selling insurance and equity bonds. You know, start showing they mean business.”

Monkton Simnock,

The speed limit: How low should we go?

Vocalocal | Mar 18th 2011

Ahead of a States report on Island speed limits, we asked you: What speeds should we go, and how fast?

“Let’s reduce the speed
limit to zero, but allow
people to reverse as
fast they like.

John Emma Thompson,
Fixer upper fixer

“As a mother, I think
we should leave it
at 35mph, but nail
bombs should be fitted
inside cars that go off
when they hit 36.

Alison Jones (née Trembler),
Combined harvester

“As a father, I say
remove speed limits
entirely! And have a
minimum speed of
80mph along
L’Ancresse Road.
That’ll sort the men
from the pussies.”

Ulysses Thunderthighs,
Indebted collector

UK newspapers and post could soon be arriving a day late: Have your say

Vocalocal | Feb 25th 2011

PSD’s proposals to save on delivery costs could result in UK newspapers and mail arriving a day late. Futu asks the average Guern: How do you feel about this?

“A day late? But that puts us, let’s see, a full six years behind the rest of the world?

Nicholas Biopsy,
Man who can

“Ooh, good! That will give me more time to do the crossword.

Tessa Didact, 
Woman who shouldn’t

“That’s rich coming from you, Guernsey Futu. You just make your shit up whenever you li…[>SYSTEM ERROR>]

Teddy Cactus,
Rocket surgeon

Alcohol kills 2.5m every year – let’s change the subject

Vocalocal | Feb 18th 2011

As the World Health Organisation publishes alarming statistics on alcohol-related deaths, we asked you: Is there anything decent on telly tonight?

“I’m hoping to catch
the new BBC Three
series in which parents
are placed in a giant
metal orb and informed whenever their children
are masturbating

Max Dolt,
Horse race abandonment consultant

“Excellent! Al Jazeera
are devoting an entire
evening to David
Attenborough outtakes.

Kirsty Molecule,
Xanthum gum diviner

“What day is it? Friday?
Pass the remote – it’s
the last episode of
Channel 4 News.”

Wyatt Scruff,
Super conductor

Population shake up: are you local enough?

Vocalocal | Jan 21st 2011

With the States proposing wide-ranging changes to Guernsey’s population management, we asked you: Do you feel local, punk?

“My family settled in
St Saviour’s in 1308,
so I’m not
yet fully

William Hust,
Abreuvoir maintenance engineer

“In my household,
you’re not considered
local unless I gave
birth to you.

Cornea Fluke, 
Gulf War veterinarian

“I’m a millionaire.
I don’t need to be local.”

Prometheus Dixon,
Money washer

What are deputies hoping to find in their Christmas stocking?

Vocalocal | Dec 24th 2010

It’s nearly time for Father Christmas to cram his legendary girth down your recently capped chimney. Guernsey Futu asks our esteemed politicians: What do want off him, then?

“This is a time to
remember the simple
things. That’s why I
desire nothing more
than to watch family members kissing each other

Hunter Gnomic,
St Sampson’s (detached)

“I’d like the Key to
St Peter Port.

Pat Comeknockery,
Education Minister (detached)

“Please, Santa, please
let me be on Roffey’s Roundup.”

Kenton Mashup,
Chief Minister (in waiting)

Zero-10: WTF?

Vocalocal | Dec 10th 2010

This week has seen Zero-10 high on the news agenda once again, confusing everyone. Guernsey Futu asks: Wherefore dat shit?

“I’m hoping to get Zero-10’s new album for Christmas. They won probably X-Factor’s best season ever!”

Hilaire Ozanne,

“You mean that thing about Jersey and the Isle of Man being totally gaylordy lordy?

Lisbeth Numpton, 
Surgeon’s assistant

“I’ll have the steak au poivre, medium-rare. And some of those crispy courgettes.”

Heraclitus Messenger,
Treasury Minister

Cobbles: Good or not?

Vocalocal | Nov 26th 2010

The States are under fire for ridding Guernsey of an “historic” stretch of cobbled lane this week. Futu demands to know what cobbles mean to you:

“An extra £500 on my motorbike insurance since I aquaplaned on the slippery bastards the other week.

John Fagpacket,
Stacked a Grifter 1986

“They are my little stony brothers and sisters. Dispose of them at your peril, for I shall avenge their destruction.

Sally Winterthistle,
Tufty Club 1982-85

“They take me back to my days as a child – Dad and I used to fish for cobbles off Portinfer.”

Winston Lovetangle,
Stole a horse 1983

Royal Engagement: Have you ever been married?

Vocalocal | Nov 19th 2010

As heir to the British Crown, Prince William, accepts Kate Middleton’s proposal, Guernsey Futu asks: “You there! Did you ever do that once?”

“I don’t need to get
married to give my
life meaning. Buying
Princess Kate-look-a-like porn will do that job
well enough”

Rodney Dido,
Diamond driller

“I’m already married –
to my job!

Diane Hefty, 
Professional wife

“I’ve been married in
every parish, except
the Vale.”

Bob Ting,
Christ knows

Vocalocals: Police crackdown – could you be next?

Vocalocal | Nov 12th 2010

Guernsey’s police force pulled out all the stops in an Island-wide crackdown on crime this week. Futu asks: “You there! Could you be next?”

“Only if evading several millions of pounds in
tax is considered a
‘crime’ these days.”

Mephistus Falla,
Ears pinned

“I won’t cooperate with
the Police… a
fter all,
they wouldn’t cooperate
with me when I
orchestrated my own
massive PR stunt.”

Gloria Chessington,
Thigh tuck

“What? Guernsey has police?”

Dennis Rodman,
Third eye removed

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